FEELS: Late Night Musings

"Bakit ganun? Sandali ka lang nagmahal tapos parang habang buhay ka nang masasaktan." - Marcelo Santos III

 "Wag mong tambayan ang sakit. Sige ka, baka ma-stuck ka diyan."  - Marcelo Santos III

"Yung siya yung dahilan kung bakit ka napupuyat tuwing gabi. Yung kahit alas dos na ng madaling-araw, napapangiti ka pa rin sa tuwing nakikita mo yung sagot niya sa’yo. Yung minsan mga salita, minsan boses niya. Yung hindi ka mapakali sa tuwing sasagot ka sa mga tanong niya. Yung hindi mo napapansin yung paglipas ng oras. Yung taong dahilan kung bakit ka masaya bago matulog. Yung kung pwede lang sana, hindi na matapos ang gabi. Sana wala nang good night. Sana wala nang goodbye. Pero ganun siguro talaga, lahat natatapos. Lumulubog ang buwan at sumisikat ang araw. Yung wala ka nang magagawa kundi alalahanin na lang yung boses niya. Yung lahat ng mga napag-usapan niyo. Yung umaasa ka na lang na sana… maulit pang muli. - Marcelo Santos III"


The result of my late night musings...

I listened to the song, our song. The one I would work out to because it reminded me of you and it made me want to be better, to work harder. It was the song that I would listen to before I fell asleep every night, because I wanted to fall asleep thinking about you and to know how much you loved me. I would listen to it just to remind myself what it’s like, to have that feeling. I thought that I could listen to it and it would be fine, because I really do like the song, and don’t just want to stop listening to it because of you. But as I was singing it, memories of you came into my mind without notice, I couldn't control it. You calling me babe or baby, telling me you loved me. I wanted to cry because I've never shed a tear when you broke my heart. Why? You never once gave me closure, you never told me you didn't love me anymore, you never told me that you were going to stop talking to me and start dating her. You promised me you would tell me if you ever lost feelings for me and wouldn't ignore me. You promised me, you promised. You told me “Why that’s stupid, I will never lose feelings for you.” But you did. And the true reason is, the one thing that I don’t want to admit, you were waiting for something better.

BUT I need you; I need you so much on mornings, like this morning. Sometimes I just wake up on the verge of tears. I wish you were here, or I was there. The love I have for you literally shook me and rocked me deeply down to my core. I miss you with all of me. And I am so incredibly in love with you. You are the best, the most important part of my life. I’m crying because I miss you so much and it hurts. I miss the way you laugh. I miss the way you look at me. I miss your hand holding mine. I miss waking you up in the morning. I miss your scent. I miss you.

From the very first day, he had put a smile on my face. No matter how far the distance is, he had given me butterflies. He had erased every doubt and every fear I've ever had about life or love or anything. He walked in and everything changed. He is the smell after the rain and the warm feeling during Christmas time and the wind through your window while you blast music on a summer night. He is the only person I can see spending the rest of my life with. He is my definition of perfection. He is my ted Mosby, my Barney Stinson and most definitely my Marshall Eriksen. I don’t care how hard it’s going to be, I know it won’t be easy, but everything about him is worth fighting for. I love him completely and I know that undoubtedly. The hours turned into days, days into weeks and weeks into months. But nothing has changed. And after all this time, I'm still into you. I just wanted you to know that someday I'll be brave enough to tell you all of this, that I do think of you but I just can’t talk to you right now. I do miss you but I just can’t admit it right now. I do love you but I just can’t tell you right now. I know that someday I will be brave enough to say this, by the time that I’m very much deserving of you.

ONE LAST THING: I DO love you more than you will ever know.


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